speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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