He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Vodka?
Forever.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
