I haven't been this sober since birth.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
