is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
