It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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