i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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