Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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