We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dignity is for republicans.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
