I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
