Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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