My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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