I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So much rum. So many feels.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
