Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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