I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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