They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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