Need sex. Gaining weight.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
