All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
