I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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