I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Acid is not a monday night drug
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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