i just wanna soil my oats bro
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
