she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
There's always time for handjobs
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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