I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize