He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize