His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
