Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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