Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
