my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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