dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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