i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize