I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
