I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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