i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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