shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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