3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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