I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
