You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize