No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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