I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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