the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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