How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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