Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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