i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
