I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Randomize
