maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
