I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
