Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
even my farts smell like vagina
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
