Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
