I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
