We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
