Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
