i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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