so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize