I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
