3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
