The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
