I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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