I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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