mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
