i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize