got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
