I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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