Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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