Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
