You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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