well I can't set my house on fire every night
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
