Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
